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Sunday, January 7th, 2007
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7:16 pm - "Charly actually has something to say?"
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Hi Everyone,
I'm not sure if anyone actually bothers reading livejournal anymore but I just wanted to apologise to everyone for being out of contact this Christmas. Things have been changing for me recently and it's been a bit strange. I feel like I need to spend a lot more time at college because living two parallel lives so closely together is a bit of a mind fuck! I saw my family a lot and I don't know what happened really, about spending time with people I mean. I suppose it also made me miss Mike more spending time with everyone when he would have been about, because at college I could forget about it more! But yes, sincere apologies to all my friends.
Things are different now. One main thing being that I'm not going to be coming home like I have been so it means you must all come and stay! I am being a total piss-head at the moment, but hey, we'll have some laughs :) Besides, I'm planning to be on the N1 route when I move out of the flat - rock and fucking roll!
I miss you all so much. I already miss home in a way I didn't before because I was coming back so often so I think it is a wise thing to do.
Sorry it's a weird and quite public thing, but I couldn't text it! And I just wanted everyone to know why I'm not going to be around as much.
xXx
P.S. I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas and great New Year!
current mood: homesick
current music: Sweatbees - My Morning Jacket
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| Friday, December 1st, 2006
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10:08 am - I want Freddie Hubbard
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Last night was the first time I felt really upset. I haven't felt that low for ages! It's really hard not having Mike about, not just as a boyfriend I mean he's just always been around for me. It's weird. The people above our flat were fighting again in the early hours of the morning but I don't think it was for very long, if it was I slept through it. I've been on such a high of drinking this week I think last night was my low. And I'm still just 'too nice' to people sometimes. I think I've become so much stronger in the past 6 months but I can get soft spots for people and if they do the smallest thing to let me down I get upset. Weird?
Apart from that, I'm doing a show called Mack & Mable in Ilford with Gem and Naomi Bristow next week and then some orhestral thing on Bass Clari in Elephant in Castle. I might be getting some kmore work in Milton Keynes on Baritone Sax too. I love paid gigs! Christmas can be a good time of year for musicians.
Well, I hope people are going to up for piss-ed-ness in Romford over the holidays. Freak?!?!?!?! (Martini, I'm looking at you)
I have to dash for another fucking boring Nutcracker rehearsal. Top Gash.
x x x
current mood:  energetic
current music: Philly Mignon - Freddie Hubbard
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| Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
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12:11 am - Charly is the busy bee
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So I've just finished listening to Shostakovich 10 and I just can't believe that it's on my orchestral excerpt list this year. It's so difficult! I saw my teacher playing it in the last week of the Proms and it was incredible. I have so many excerpts this year, but it can only be a good thing considering I want to do orchestral work. It'll never happen. Dead industry. Go to some concerts everyone! Pay some of the people who work their hardest to try to maintain some sort of musical culture in this country. It is awful really. The teaching situation is terrible and we just have no funding for anything. The rest Europe are so much better than us right now. It's just an awful shame.
In other news... my new teaching job is ok. Complete ups and downs. I made some kid cry today but it was because his mouthpiece wouldn't fit on his clarnet so it's really not my fault. For those of you that don't know - I teach about 15 students in a teeny room in this church for this charity organisation for two hours... all at the same time! It's very badly organised, the people running it know nothing about music and it's all based in this religious social group. I got a bit offended today when the main pastor Saula asked why I wasn't wearing a skirt. Sounds odd, but it's just a part of their religion. I hate it. I much prefer teaching in trousers anyway. But then I get paid well. It's just the most stressful thing. I started 2 weeks ago and they have exams in November. They will fail. I have about 5 flutes mixed in with clarinets and it's just so difficult!
College is awesome. Some mess ups with my Quintet which has been upsetting but I'll deal with it. Life is generally fucking brilliant at the moment. I have lots of hopes for the band now too (even though I'm running scarily short of hours in the week). I feel much more stable than I have for a very long time!
Well, I should be off now, I have more stuff to sort out.
Love you all!
xxxx
current mood:  good
current music: Beethoven 8 (Berlin Phil. Herbert Von Karajan)
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| Thursday, September 14th, 2006
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10:56 pm
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My life is more complex than people think. I'm drunk again. Lots of drinking. I'm working so hard already. But everything confuses me. I feel sad when I should be happy. I'm such a fucking retard. Gash.
Things are ok. But not as good as they should be. And it's weird.
x
current mood:  crushed
current music: Television - Mansun
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| Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006
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5:21 pm
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I'm bad. I've just put on The Best of Tower of Power which inevitably results in me dancing around like a giant penis. It's brilliant though.
I'm going to see Iain and Kate with Mike and Dan Czwartos which should be fun. Jackie's going to cook us dinner. I've done lots of house work today which is boring but I don't particularly mind because my Mum will be home in a week's time. I'm also seeing Superman at the IMAX cinema with a bunch of popples this week which I'm lookibng forward to. I just can't believe I start college so soon! I've started playing again but my first clarinet lesson is just going to be embarrassing! I've got a gig on Saturday playing Bari. It scares the fuck out of me because I haven't touched one for a good few months - eek! I get £50 for one night's playing at a pub though so that's frikkin shweet. I've borrowed Marcus' Mark 6 and have been blasting it out in my house this afternoon - it's so loud!
I'm also happy because I have a permanent position at Next from September (only Sundays, which is perfect) on Kidswear. I'm going to have to learn about babies clothes - yay! It also means I'm a step closer to being able to afford my trip around Europe next summer. But we'll see. I've been perving over this month's Vogue and some of the new stuff out is really lovely. I'm addicted to shopping. Gah. Iain may have a job going at the school he teaches at which will be £40 for 6pm-8pm on a Monday teaching kiddies though :)
Despite all this, I have still been a bit low. It's not too bad. It's just that this whole icky situation is far from painless. Ugh. But I have to focus on my clarinet now over everything else. I saw Gemma last week and apparently I'm at the top of her list for Doublers (well, triplers I suppose) which is scary. She's going to be an uber good Musical Director when she's older.
Must. Practise.
Love
xXx
current mood:  silly
current music: Funk The Dumb Stuff - Tower of Power
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| Friday, August 18th, 2006
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10:49 am
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So everything's ok at the moment. I have been slacking. I am terrified of going back to college. I have been working at Next, but they really like me so it's ok. I'm going to see a Shostakovich prom tomorrow which makes me excited :) Hope everyone's ok. I'm needing lots of cuddles at the moment so if anyone's bored lemme know! Enjoy the last of the summer sun everyone
xxx
current mood:  awake
current music: Pavement
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| Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
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10:25 am
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New Avatar!
L - A - S - T
01. Last Cigarette: A while ago.
02. Last kiss: I cannot remember :(
03. Last Cry: Yesterday
04. Last Library Book Checked Out: I don't usually get books, I get scores - The Hindemith Sonata and some Orchestral Excerpts book.
13. Last Shoes Worn: My silver sparkly flip flops (they are the sex)
15. Last Soda Drank: Belgian Chocolate Options (hot chocolate)
16. Last Words Written: Actually written, in my diary so I don't know!
17. Last Words Spoken: Shit... shit.
18. Last Annoyance: Amazon not taking my card.
19. Last Time Scolded Someone: I'm not sure. I don't usually do that.
20. Last Web Site Visited: www.mygay.com
B - O - D - Y:
01. Piercings: 3 in my ears but one of them has probably closed up now.
02. Tattoos: No. Maybe a Hunger For The Crash one in the future *rock on*
03. Height: 5"8
04. Shoe size: 7
05. Hair color: It's changing at the moment (my Luo Colour is fading out) but it's turning blonde.
06. Eye color: Brown
L A S T . . .
01. Movie you rented: Corpse's Bride
03. Song you listened to: Everybody Be Happy - The Kinks
05. CD you bought: 10, 000 Days - Tool? Shameful really. Mike bought me Unknown Pleasures though (which is great)
06. Person that's called you: Mike/Richard
10. Person you were thinking of: Michael/my mum
T R U E O R F A L S E . . .
01. You have a crush on someone: Josh Homme.
02. You wish you could live somewhere else: I don't even know where I'm living. Ultimately the farm is the best house ever.
03. Think about suicide: Yeah, but not in anynkind of serious or meaningful way.
04. You believe in a God: No. There may be something bigger than us that we can't interpret but that doesn't mean that it 'made' us or that it neccessarily exists. It would be like ants thinking we were God. Most views of 'God' are just weird though. People love the human race way too much and think we're the best thing to grace the universe, it's just stupid if you really think about it.
05. You want more Piercings: No
06. You like cleaning: Sometimes. Not too often though.
07. You like roller coasters: Indeed I do
08. You write in cursive: Sometimes. My handwriting is as changable as my moods - which is a lot!
F O R *O R * A G A I N S T...TEENS....
01. Having sex: Yeah, part of being a teenager is discovering sex and all of that. Tehy're going to do it anyway, just tell them how to be safe about it. Apparently in Holland children learn about STDs from the age of 7 and they have such low levels of it in their country. Weird.
02. Teenage smoking: No, they shouldn't but a lot of them probably will.
03. Doing drugs: No, they shouldn't but a lot of them probably will.
04. Driving drunk: That's shit.
06. Someone uses someone for their goodies: Uses them for money? Is that what it's meant to be. Gash.
H A V E*Y O U
01. Ever cried over the opposite sex: Too much
02. Ever lied to someone: Yes.
03. Ever been in a fist fight: No.
04. Ever been arrested: No.
RANDOM...
01. Who is your best friend: Michael
02. What shoes do you wear: My flip flops
03. Are you scared of love: No.
NUMBER..
01. Of scars on your body?: I'm not sure. Probably about 8 or so, most from falling off of my bike.
02. Of things in your past that you regret?: Too many to really count.
The Opposite Sex.
1. Guitar or Drum Player: Do you mean 'Guitarist' or 'Drummer'? Idiots. Well, Guitarist. Every boy I've liked has been a Guitarist... maybe it's a requirement!
2. Skater or Surfer: Surfer
3. Brown or Blue Eyes: It doesn't matter.
4. Blonde or Brunette: Brunette
5. Brains or Looks: Someone has to be 'attractive' and that's not about being the smartest person and it's not about being the best looking person. It's about the way they move and act and just everything! But saying that I couldn't see myself with anyone less intelligent than me. That's why me and Sam never worked out, ha!
current mood: a bit shitty
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| Saturday, August 5th, 2006
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3:12 pm - please please please...
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Whatever you do, don't listen to Philip Glass. He's a twat. Listen to John Adams. What is wrong with people?
x
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| Saturday, July 22nd, 2006
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1:21 am - The Wasp Factory - unrelated, but awesome book
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So, to be honest everything is still utterly confusing and shitty. I'm getting by. It's just difficult. I've been keeping myself busy. I've seen Dan quite a lot which has been really great. I'm so glad we're still so close. I'm determined not to screw anything up and be a bitch. Because he's put up with enough of my stupidity. But I suppose things are ok. Tomorrow I'm going to go out and get drunk for the first time since I moved back home (and that's the first thing you're meant to do when this sort of thing happens) so I'm excited. It will be good to escape in the arms of London for the night with Nickel and Co. It's just weird I haven't yet I suppose. I'm glad he suggested it. Hopefully a house party of sorts (seeing as I am broke).
I'm working the Next sale this weekend which is going to be pure hell. But I'm getting paid a small amount so it's ok.
I'm just so sorry to everyone I can't make any sense to.
I've been feeling my old self recently. Trying to hold onto the confidence I've grown. But it's difficult. I need to keep my head on and trust myself to get through it all.
I'll start making sense again one of these days.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
P.S. We have a really important gig next Friday in Southend. Anyone around pleeeease come and I'll cuddle you loads (promise)
current mood: numb
current music: Massive Attack
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| Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
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10:02 pm - Gay
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So, I'm pretty sure this whole episode hasn't really sunk in yet. I can feel it all looming though. It feels like in a few days I'm just going to go back to 'normal' life back up in Blackheath. It's been lovely speaking to him. I've done a lot of retail therapy with my mother which has helped (oh how shallow I can be) but I still have this deep horrible feeling growing inside which tells me this is going to be very difficult indeed. As I said today, 4 years is a long time - I'm not just going to have a few days and be ok with it all. So in some aspects I am very scared. But I've been trying to sort myself out and at least be a little productive... starting to play the Nielson (terribly) today, completely changing my room around (Feng Shui can work, serioulsy!) and starting my job at Next tomorrow night. I have a list of people to see and it excites me to think I'll get to spend time with some people I haven't seen a great deal recently.
Well, I'm going off to read some more of "Googlewack" and listen to some sort of symphony... but Reservoire Dogs has just started so maybe I'll just watch that.
xxx
P.S. I have actually been enjoying the football (hippo-crite)!
P.P.S. Thinking of you
current mood: melancholy
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| Tuesday, June 27th, 2006
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8:59 am - Sorry
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Today is the worst and saddest day of my life to date, but it won't be as painful as tomorrow nor the day after that. I'm going to be in the dumps for a while (I apologise in advance) but this month has been the craziest of my life and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope. There's so much to do and I can't seem to move. It's not like I didn't think the day was close, but when it's 'tomorrow' it seems totally unreal. The way I feel about you, in my heart, will never change. You are too much to me I think. I never saw this coming. I will miss you forever, and it breaks my heart. I'm so sorry for everything that has happened, it's something I can never forgive myself for. I'll be here, always for you.
"No-one will ever take your place..."
xxxxx
current mood: crushed
current music: 40 Miles From The Sun
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| Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
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8:42 am
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So my life feels like it's been turned upside-down this month and so much has happened. I've been stupid a couple of times but I'm really trying to make up for everything. It's just so hard to be perfect when the whole situation is just so emotional and confusing. I have to make a lot of changes to my life, and I am in the process of this, which is weird but just so right and it's for the best reasons - (I would still do anything for you honey). I'm determined to change it all around and be the best person I can. I'm sure that recently people have made their own opinions about me and that's fine, I deserve heavy criticism, but just know - I'm trying to sort things out the best way I can.
xxx
current mood: crushed
current music: cinematic orchestra
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| Friday, June 16th, 2006
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4:48 pm
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I had another modelling shoot today. Much better it was *yoda voice* - I totally relaxed and we did some outside shots on this scummy roof. I did enjoy it today, I'm just itching to get the shots back. I really don't know if I can make much money out of it but I am a bit weird looking and modelling companies are never usually looking for your standard 'pretty' girl so maybe I'll get lucky... easy money really!
Stuff is getting better really, I feel a lot happier already. I hope it stays up. I just really need a job. Ugh. But I might drop some CVs off later.
My summer albums are.... Show Your Bones, Relationship of Command, Crooked Rain and 10, 000 Days.
They all rule :)
xxx
current music: Brian Jonestown Massacre
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| Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
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10:25 am
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I am looking forward to Tool tonight, I really am!
I just feel so low again. My moods have been more changable than a chamaeleon's skin recently. I hope the sunshine cheers me up.
I wrote some lyrics yesterday. I don't know how much I really like them. They're ok I guess. I need to write some music but for some reason I just can't seem to focus on much at the moment. I was so happy last night - my teacher called and said "No more lessons, guess I'll see you in September!" which is great because I can not practise without feeling guilty. But now I'm in the dumps again. I'll just have to get used to it I suppose.
I'm handing in my Starbuck's application form today. I doubt I'll get the job. My passions are obviously elsewhere.
Gash. I'm sorry this has been a rubbish post. I just feel upset is all.
Mel coming to visit on Thursdee will be ace... muchos cocktails innit.
xxx
current mood: gaaaash
current music: 10, 000 days
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| Saturday, May 20th, 2006
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11:05 am
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I am currently....
+ Reeally looking forward to Broadstairs (5th annual Band Holiday) next month
+ Sitting in the dark trying to avoid the sun after downing a pint of god-knows-what last night
+ Trying to step my practise up to 5 hours per day this week
+ Wanting to have another band practise but knowing I can't until my assessment is over
+ Avoiding writing my essay about Beethoven's orchestration
+ Building up my modelling portfolio so I can get easy work
+ Missing Mel a lot
+ Looking for a job
+ Very tired
I've been doing the hour long walk into college and getting in for about 8am so I can practise until I leave (earliest about 5pm, usually 8). I have an exam on Wednesday though that I really need to revise for. There's just so much to do. My last assessment counts for about 70% of my final mark for the year. It's so much pressure. And I'm doing the Debussy Premiere Rhapsody which is a bitch to play (but beautiful). I also have to do all of my scales (which adds up to 10 types in every key - 120 - played 3 different ways) mental, 6 orchestral excerpts (one of which is Mahler 4 which is tricky - yesterday my teacher was telling me not to play fortissimo but mahler fortissimo!) and a study - I decidied to choose a really hard one.
I don't think I pushed myself last assessment - I only got 70% and I can do a lot better than that. It's really tough but it'll be a walk in the park compared to the stuff I have to do next year (eek)!
I'm coping ok though. Just need to stay focussed is all :)
Hope everyone's enjoying life
xxx
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| Wednesday, March 29th, 2006
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5:47 pm - House Warming...
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So the move was great and we got everything sorted out incredibly quickly :) The journey to college is so much better. I can't wait for Easter - I've had so much on. Well here are some photos...
br />Freak tonight, lots of work tomorrow and tomorrow night, Blues Brothers this weekend, essay deadline Monday 4 days of intense rehearsal and concert on Alto Clarinet (which I have never played) next week. Gah! Hehe :)
For my two weeks off in Easter I expect you all to come and stay (I'm looking at you Alex!) because me and Dan both have 2 weeks off. Noice.
And incase I haven't made it clear already... living with dan is the coolest thing ♥
xxx
current mood: happy
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| Thursday, March 16th, 2006
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9:13 am - Moving...
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So I have decided to take today off. I have so much packing to do today and I don't want to spend my last night stuck in my room packing boxes :( But it's good that I don't have to go to my sax lesson because I really am not in the mood today. I'm pretty emotional already and I'm sure she'll make me cry!
It's Daniel's birthday and I'm really looking forward to seeing the RPO do Romeo & Juliet (Prokofiev is a bit good!) tomorrow night, I hope he enjoys it. Tonight I'm going to have dinner with my parents but I'm a bit upset because my Dad might not be able to make it. That makes me feel sad. But he's busy so I can't really complain.
Aside from obvious stresses, I'm pretty excited. Being this stressed and having little sleep has made me pretty emotional and forgetful - yesterday I had to come back from college at 2 to get some music I had forgotten and then go all the way back up there again. But I played Prince Igor pretty well last night and it made me stupidly happy :)
Well I hope to see some of you cats out tonight at the pub... I can't believe it's my last night here!
xxxxx
current mood:  stressed
current music: Ravel
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| Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
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3:20 pm
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Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake
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You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many.
The minute you meet anyone, you can make the crave you almost immediately.
You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss.
A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract.
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Hahaha!
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8:48 am - 'Supdate
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I just had 11 hours sleep. I haven't slept that long for ages! I have been pretty busy recently, and this week is no exception. But it's all good. I had a good lesson with Michael yesterday. He thinks that I'm a "cool dude" but he wants me to perform more in my lessons which makes me feel like a prick, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. We just get along pretty well and he doesn't make me cry like he does to most people. I just have to practise more! I'm hoping this move will help, last night I had a mental day and it took me about an hour and a half to get home which is why I ate and slept by about 9.30!
I can't believe that we're moving next week! There is so much to organise and buy. But it's all very fun and exciting. It's a 2 bedroom place so at least we can comfortably have people to stay :)
We went to a really nice pizza restaurant in Covent Garden last Friday called Fire & Stone. It's excellent... for every 2 pizzas you buy and a flash of the student ID you get a free bottle of wine :) We were mighty impressed. Don't worry Mel, we'll go again really soon!
My IT teacher thinks I'm a 'computer wizz' because I can successfully teach myself to use Sibelius. It's not difficult though. But I have to do a project on Logic next. I might do a Blues Brothers track. I don't know. She said we could do a dance track which would be fun but mine would probably be embarassing.
Well nothing much else to say. Think I'll try to have a four hour session on a mental new piece I'm doing today. Oh, and if anyone's bored on Saturday you should probably come to the Oakwood in Southend because we're playing our first pub gig... should be a laugh. Buzzcocks, Pumpkins, Weezer, lots of covers! You might even be lucky enough to see Michael make this face...
Charky
xxxxxx
current mood:  hungry
current music: Summerholidays vs. Punk Routine
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| Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
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6:36 pm
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I like the way my parents won't even make a comment if I'm sitting in the lounge playing Trivium pretty loud. They just don't mind - how cool.
I have lots to do this week including looking at some flats... I'm getting very excited now :)
xxxx
current mood: excited
current music: Extreme (yes, I think I actually like them!)
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